Saturday, March 16, 2013

Security Guards

Hello children, pull up your chairs so grandma can tell you a story. Once upon a time security guards were universally regarded as the Barney Fifes of the uniform wearing world (use your Googles, kids). As a whole, they were not actually qualified for the rigors of any real law enforcement (that's why Andy only ever gave Barney one bullet...), but at least able-bodied enough to sound an alarm should the need arise while pulling watch on the graveyard shift over at the car lot. As a matter of fact, many had true aspirations to become officers of the law, but had been rejected because in order to do so one also needed to have a grasp of basic language skills and at least give the appearance of being mentally balanced. In spite of this rejection, the lure of the trappings of law enforcement were just too compelling for some to give up; fake badge, handcuffs, walkies, night sticks, the uniform (which was always crappy, but in the same way a blow-up doll can feel like a girlfriend if you ignore the seams, if you squinted it was close enough to make you feel like a 'cop' ). Yes, security guards were scary alright, but they were scary in the way that 47 year old guys who drink whiskey over their Wheaties in the morning and then dress as clowns for children's birthday parties are scary. There were good reasons to give a wide berth to anyone if you found out that 'security guard' was their day (or night...) job- but really, there weren't that many of them and they were pretty easy to avoid. 

But gather close youngsters, because something strange has happened in the last 12 years... security guards have proliferated, entered the mainstream, been given better uniforms and are now e v e r y w h e r e. Grandma doesn't want to make you feel afraid, but the truth is that though the requirements to be a security guard have not changed (you must be a living hominid), the horror is that now they have actually been given authority over you.


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